“…But the belief in the preeminence of hue and hair, the notion that these factors can correctly organize a society and that they signify deeper attributes, which are indelible — this is the new idea at the heart of these new people who have been brought up hopelessly, tragically, deceitfully, to believe that they are white.”

— Ta-Nehisi Coates

It’s hard for people (especially us white people) to understand how damaging this programming is and how early in life the imprint takes hold. I’ve experienced two episodes in my life that helped get this through my skull. In the 3rd grade, the girl sitting next to me was writing her diary. This was a primarily Italian-American neighborhood in CT, and there were just a few black kids in our school of about 400. I made the mistake of looking over her shoulder to see what she was writing (I know, even in 3rd grade, I should have known better). I’ll never forget the first 6 words of her entry.

“I am black. I am ugly.”

I remember looking at her, really looking at her, maybe for the first time, and trying to tell her that she wasn’t ugly. She wasn’t. She was a really pretty girl. She was horrified that I’d seen what she’d written, and never talked to me again.

The second time time this was made clear to me was when my youngest son was about 3. Three years old. I’ve always thought the my kids were the best-looking kids possible, and they are. He told me:

“I don’t want to be black. I want to have blue eyes.”

I’m sure that nothing my wife or I ever did to make him feel that way. He’s a confident young man of 18 now, excelling in school and in life, generally. I didn’t know how far upstream we were swimming. I didn’t know a lot.