I cannot say “I married a sister”

I can say I married a black woman.

I can say I married an intelligent black woman.

I can say that I married an intelligent, beautiful, Bajan-American black woman.

I can say that I married an intelligent, beautiful, Bajan-American black woman who brought two beautiful boys into this world, boys who have grown into proud, smart, ambitious young men.

I can say that I married an intelligent, beautiful, Bajan-American black woman who manages over 50 direct and indirect reports and has the awesome responsibility of ensuring the care of 600 hospice patients in Manhattan and the Bronx, a level of responsibility that would crush me.

I cannot say that “I married a sister” (meaning black woman). Why not? Black men and women call each other brothers and sisters to acknowledge that they share a collective experience that we white people can only imagine, and we can only empathize with in short bursts. It’s just too exhausting to live there all the time, right? Except that black people live there all the time, because they have no choice.

Us wypipo cannot grant ourselves membership in that club. No one can grant us membership. When we look to black people for validation or forgiveness, or when we assume that we’ve paid our dues and can talk like we’re in the brotherhood or sisterhood, we’re making the same mistake that Joe Biden made with his “you ain’t black if” comment.